My 2yo made me cry tonight. It's an unfortunate reality, considering I was just boasting about him in my last post. But alas - motherhood isn't all giggles and cutesy social media pictures.
We just came back from a week long vacation on the West coast. It was an enjoyable trip, although I now need a vacation from parenthood (another post for some other day). Once we got back home, we realized that the youngest member of our East coast residing family was struggling with jet lag. My precious child, who for the longest time, has never given us a problem with bedtime, suddenly refuses to go to sleep at the appointed time. Well after the jetlag has worn off, the bedtime challenge still continues!
Me: Go to bed Isaiah.
Precious Child: I don't want to go to sleep mommy.
Me: Isaiah, it's night time. We all have to go to sleep.
Precious Child: No mommy, we do not have to go to sleep.
Me: *insert some random statement of encouragement here, and then exit stage left*
Precious Child: *gets out of bed after a few minutes and wanders down the hall*
Me: *scolding then a swift return of the child to bed*
REPEAT THIS PROCESS AD NAUSEUM AS I BEGIN TO LOOSE PATIENCE AT A RAPID PACE. 😩
Tonight, the last round of this was intense. I'd spanked Isaiah once already, but this time I really gave it to him. This was followed by a stern scolding and a return of his body to his bed.
Then I walked back to my bathroom and cried.
People warn you before you have children that parenthood isn't easy, but none of that can adequately prepare you for what disciplining a child really calls for. For me, I've found that it's not the implementation of discipline that frustrates me, but the fact that there is no way to know, at that precise moment, if my discipline plan is the best one for my baby.
I struggle with striking the perfect balance between all of my tools for discipline. I see our (my husband and I) discipline plan as a budget. Is the percentage I've allocated to stern talking balanced out by my allocations to attempts at reasoning with the Precious Child? Is there enough gentleness, forgiveness of disobedience, and mercy shown to ensure he feels safe and loved, but not overdone to the point where he thinks he runs this? Am I spanking him too much, too little, just enough? WHERE IS THE FREAKIN FORMULA TO THIS MADNESS??
Sidebar - We choose to spank. We don't do it all the time, but best believe it's in our arsenal of disciplinary actions to choose from. Judge if you'd like, don't judge at all.. Whatever floats your boat. This isn't about tactics as much as it is about striking a balance. Every reasonable parent questions and reevaluates their approach to disciplining their children at some point, regardless of the tactics that they employ.
Parenthood is trial and error, with the hope that you don't screw up your kids for the rest of their lives. No. Pressure. I just want to be a good mom. I want Isaiah to have the best upbringing I can muster. I pray God will work out these details for me in my head real time. I HAVE to rely on him to do it, because only He knows what my almost-perfect little boy needs, just when he needs it. An inexperienced mother like me is tasked with the job of raising a person, an entire life. If that's not a reason to rely on God, I don't know what is.
So I'm going to bed not completely certain that everything I did tonight was right, but I certainly feel like I need to show Isaiah J. Sam a boatload of love tomorrow. That's Ok. All I can do is submit myself to a God who knows all, listen and trust His guidance, and try my best every day.
Isaiah is sleeping now. Finally. Hopefully he still loves his mama in the morning.
Tam Sam
