Diary of a Toddler Mommy

My 2yo made me cry tonight. It's an unfortunate reality, considering I was just boasting about him in my last post. But alas - motherhood isn't all giggles and cutesy social media pictures.

We just came back from a week long vacation on the West coast.  It was an enjoyable trip, although I now need a vacation from parenthood (another post for some other day). Once we got back home, we realized that the youngest member of our East coast residing family was struggling with jet lag. My precious child, who for the longest time, has never given us a problem with bedtime, suddenly refuses to go to sleep at the appointed time. Well after the jetlag has worn off, the bedtime challenge still continues!

Me: Go to bed Isaiah.
Precious Child: I don't want to go to sleep mommy.
Me: Isaiah, it's night time. We all have to go to sleep.
Precious Child: No mommy, we do not have to go to sleep.
Me: *insert some random statement of encouragement here, and then exit stage left*
Precious Child: *gets out of bed after a few minutes and wanders down the hall*
Me: *scolding then a swift return of the child to bed*

REPEAT THIS PROCESS AD NAUSEUM AS I BEGIN TO LOOSE PATIENCE AT A RAPID PACE. 😩

Tonight, the last round of this was intense. I'd spanked Isaiah once already, but this time I really gave it to him. This was followed by a stern scolding and a return of his body to his bed.

Then I walked back to my bathroom and cried.

People warn you before you have children that parenthood isn't easy, but none of that can adequately prepare you for what disciplining a child really calls for. For me, I've found that it's not the implementation of discipline that frustrates me, but the fact that there is no way to know, at that precise moment, if my discipline plan is the best one for my baby.

I struggle with striking the perfect balance between all of my tools for discipline.  I see our (my husband and I) discipline plan as a budget. Is the percentage I've allocated to stern talking balanced out by my allocations to attempts at reasoning with the Precious Child? Is there enough gentleness, forgiveness of disobedience, and mercy shown to ensure he feels safe and loved, but not overdone to the point where he thinks he runs this? Am I spanking him too much, too little, just enough? WHERE IS THE FREAKIN FORMULA TO THIS MADNESS??

Sidebar - We choose to spank. We don't do it all the time, but best believe it's in our arsenal of disciplinary actions to choose from. Judge if you'd like, don't judge at all.. Whatever floats your boat. This isn't about tactics as much as it is about striking a balance. Every reasonable parent questions and reevaluates their approach to disciplining their children at some point, regardless of the tactics that they employ.

Parenthood is trial and error, with the hope that you don't screw up your kids for the rest of their lives. No. Pressure. I just want to be a good mom. I want Isaiah to have the best upbringing I can muster. I pray God will work out these details for me in my head real time. I HAVE to rely on him to do it, because only He knows what my almost-perfect little boy needs, just when he needs it. An inexperienced mother like me is tasked with the job of raising a person, an entire life. If that's not a reason to rely on God, I don't know what is.

So I'm going to bed not completely certain that everything I did tonight was right, but I certainly feel like I need to show Isaiah J. Sam a boatload of love tomorrow. That's Ok. All I can do is submit myself to a God who knows all, listen and trust His guidance, and try my best every day.

Isaiah is sleeping now. Finally. Hopefully he still loves his mama in the morning.

Tam Sam

Me. Through Different Eyes.

Let's all just pretend like it hasn't been 3 entire years since I've posted here.  We'll attribute (read: blame) this absence to me becoming a mother, and losing anything that remotely looks like free time.  Its the price we pay for these adorable little humans we love so much.  Ok, now that we've gotten the pleasantries out of the way, let the rambling commence!

I turned 32 yesterday *insert fireworks, singing, and your present to me here*.  

It's 32, not 40, and yet I found myself doing that whole "taking stock of one's life" bit. Crazy, right?  I've had this weird sense of urgency since my birthday, to make sure I'm not wasting time.  Maybe I've read one too many top ten articles on how to make the most of life. Or maybe, this is just part and parcel of getting older.  Nevertheless, here I am, assessing all the chambers of my life, measuring my contentedness and happiness against some undefined measuring tape.  Yea, I'm that girl *eyeroll*.

Broadly speaking, I am happy with my life.  I have a pretty awesome husband, and a son who is probably the most amazing child ever (see picture for a peek at his splendor).  Work is going well. I'm settling into ministry. I can pay my bills, and still buy a pair of shoes here and there.  Life is good.  

However, I've always wondered if I have a passion that I'm not taping into.  Am I already plugged into what should be my passion, but not in the manner that God intended?  Or is there something totally different out there that I haven't even discovered about myself?  Should my passion begin and end with my family? Am I missing out on some glorious fulfillment as an entrepreneur, philanthropist, comedian (yea right Tam)?  

My introspection led me to google, as most things do.  I came across several articles with suggestions on narrowing down your purpose and passion, but this one was particularly intriguing.  I like the idea of asking myself questions, and seeing my path to discovery develop organically.  One of the questions the article suggested I ask myself is: "What do your friends and family know you for, or rely on you for?".  This was the only question that took into account the opinion of outsiders.  So, because I really have no idea what the answer to the question is, and because this is bound to be fun, I figured I'd ask a few people in my life to answer it for me.  Hopefully I can trust the people closest to me to be brutally honest lol.  Let's see what they think..

I shall report my findings back here (unless of course the findings are unsavory; in that case, ill change the topic and act like this post never happened).  Same bat time.  Same bat channel.


--Tam Sam
written while listening to this old Jason Mraz album - mostly inspired by this Sesame Street video in my son's YouTube playlist.  

Book Review

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I opened the front cover of the book and saw this statement: “Some people are born storytellers.  Some lives are worth telling.  The best memoirs happen when these two conditions converge.  In The Glass Castle, they have.” –New York Newsday

After finishing the last page of this book, and closing the back cover, this is exactly how I felt.  This story is about one tough cookie of a girl!  Most likely, I’ve dubbed her the ‘toughest girl I know’ only because I don’t think I’d have half her toughness if faced with the same story.  I couldn’t imagine living a life of popcorn for dinner on the rare occasion you had dinner; having to go collect my drunken father from the local bar; fighting off bullies unsuccessfully day after day.  But somehow, this girl, and her siblings, always found some little thing that made them happy, and maintained a drive that helped them to be successful (well most of them). 

The part of the book that touched me the most was the evolution of Jeannette’s relationship with her dad.  I’ve had the pleasure of growing up with a father who I thought could do everything, never get hurt, and was the smartest guy around.  And that’s exactly what Jeannette thought of her father when she was small.  Throughout the book, she slowly learned of her father’s limitations.  And although most daughters do, Jeannette had serious limitations to stare in the face.  Somehow she managed to still love her dad to the end. 

This book makes you evaluate and appreciate the good relationships that you have.  It makes you look at the next homeless person on the street a little differently – wondering what their story could be.  It makes you ache for children whose parents are fools!  It certainly impressed on me the responsibility of parenthood.

The end of the book talks about the life Jeannette builds for herself after leaving her parents, but it didn’t spend much time talking about the effects her early life had on her later life.  I wondered how her experience affected her first failed marriage, and what were the reasons behind her not having kids of her own (at least none were mentioned in the book). I’m sure that the second act of her life story could be made into a book of its own..

Sad story, but an excellent read.  Why only 4 stars? I don’t know..  I guess I’m still waiting for that gut feeling I expect to get when the 5-star book comes along *smile*.

View all my reviews


--TamSam
Mood: Reflective

What the HECK is Twitter good for??

Quick disclaimer:  bird on the right really meant WTH!??  Please excuse his french.

If I was a superhero.. err superheroin, my superpower would definitely be to read minds. Why waste energy with superhuman strength to catch bad guys, when I could just read the bad guy's mind, call the police, and watch a Netflix movie while they handle their business?? Well, I kinda sorta got my wish with the creation of twitter.

Unless you live under a rock like the dudes in the Geico commercial, (Geico) you've heard about how people are using twitter to share anything they'd like, with anyone who will listen. Furthermore, you know that whenever people are allowed to actually be themselves, and broadcast it to the world, extra-ordinary things happen. I've been an avid tweeter (@tammysam) until I decided to fast from twitter for the first 40 days of the year (I'll explain that in another post). There are a few things I've missed while I was gone..

Randomness: Everybody has little quiet thoughts that pass through their head during the day, and twitter gives us a place to shout them out. For example, if you've ever wondered why Mike Tirico looks like he has on eyeshadow, @LLCoolChels is bound to validate your thoughts with a raised eyebrow at Mike. Then there will be the times when @nevertha1 tweets lyrics to a song you've never heard of, by an equally obscure artist. But because those lyrics are speaking to your mood, you'll google away, and download your new fav album. And I can't forget @Bri_Cooley and her pics of the strange humans she runs into on public transportation lol. I never know what my timeline is going to look like from hour to hour, much less day to day. And if at any point it gets too predictable, I can always unfollow a couple boring people and pick up some new firecrackers to add to the pot! The best part - they have to spit it out in 140 characters or less.. no Facebook-like soliloquies here :)

News: Judge me all you'd like, but twitter was my source for breaking news. Sure, I check the RSS feeder at night, and catch Keith Olbermann (*tear* I miss you @KeithOlbermann) while eating dinner, but the quick stuff came from twitter. It was twitter that told me MJ died, and twitter that alerted me of Ron Ron's trade to LA. Twitter even had first pics of the Discovery Channel building's gunman in Silver Spring. Information moves quickly through twitter.

Dialogue: Twitter provides a snapshot (not always entirely accurate, but a snapshot nonetheless) of what society thinks. Read a feed while the Grammy's are on tv, or the President is making a speech. It's crazy what you will read sometimes. Like I said, whenever we are given room to be ourselves, especially with some level of anonymity, anything is likely to happen. Getting a taste of opinion that ranges from the well-informed to the ignorant, politically correct to the blunt, gives form
to the ideas I carry in my head about societal behavior. And when it doesn't do that, at least I'll be able to LOL at the foolishness.

So now I return to virtual people watching, a.k.a twitter. What I miss??


P.S - twitter is also great for comedic relief, sports commentary, and questionable relationship advice... if that's your cup of tea lol


-- TamSam

Posted from my purple-clad iPhone 4 moments before my first tweet in 40 days pops up! *smile*

Just A Thought..

You know how a thought sometimes leads to a second somewhat related thought, and then a third that barely resembles the initial thought?  Well, here's my circle of thoughts from the last five minutes:

1. This 12 year old kid on Grey's Anatomy is having a horrible meltdown because he suffers from autism.

2. His mom is so stressed, scared, tired, and hopeless.

3. I'd like to be a mom one day, and I'd be devastated if my child had autism.

4. The only thing I could do was watch him everyday, worry, and pray to God that he doesn't show the signs.

5. But when he reaches his third birthday, shows no signs of autism, I'd still have so much more to worry about.

6. What if he breaks a leg learning to ride a bike; or has a developmental handicap; or one of the innumerable circumstances that can happen in this lifetime?

7. I wish I could live a life without worry.

8. The only life that offers that is one in heaven with Christ.  This world only promises me trouble after trouble.. guaranteed.

9. If He only takes people to heaven who want to be there, then this is definitely on my growing list of reasons why I wanna make it.

10. Sick kids need parents too Tam..

Just a thought.

--TamSam

His Year of Giving

I follow @shakc on Twitter. He always shares really nice articles, and yesterday was no different (thanks Twitter pal *smile*). Here it is:

http://www.aolnews.com/philanthropy/nc/article/philanthropy-on-10-a-day/991224?ncid=webmaildl1

The article speaks about a guy, recently out of work, who decides to give away $10 a day to perfect strangers. Yep, he roams the streets around his neighborhood, looks for someone who catches his eye, gives away money, and then blogs about it. How awesome is that!! Here is his blog:

http://yearofgiving.wordpress.com/

Reed seems to be having a lot of fun with this. He asks each person what their plans are for that $10 bill, and it's so interesting to see the responses - from donations to charity to cups of coffee. Besides the satisfaction that comes with any nice gesture, our gift-giver here gets to watch his philanthropic efforts inspire other people to do good.

Have you seen the Liberty Mutual commercial with the circle of good deeds? Of course I have the link for you..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wMwoexR1evo&feature=youtube_gdata

The sap in me got really emotional after reading through Reed's blog. I may not have $10 to give away to a stranger every day (or the gall to walk up to randoms with my video camera), but we all have some responsibility to make a difference while we're here. The death of Dorthy Height, and the highlights of her life shared all day yesterday, show us the potential this responsibility holds.

So what does Tammy plan to do to contribute a little extra to society? Not quite sure yet, but I'm thankful that Reed has me thinking about it..

What about you?


-- TamSam

Posted from my cute, purple clad, iPhone while in bed at 6:25 in the morning. A nightmare that remarkably resembled an episode of 24 interrupted my sleep, and this blog post is the end result (so cut me some slack for typos, grammatical errors, and the like lol).

I Just Bought A Handgun

Yea right... I'd probably never buy a gun.  I just used the title to get you to click the link.  It worked, and I accept your forgiveness.  Since you're here, you might as well read about other people buying guns.

Today’s podcast is my first official reference from The Cato Institute. I fear this is a giant leap for me towards becoming a Libertarian *insert horror music here*. My husband and brother are eagerly awaiting the moment they can welcome me into the fold, but alas, I’m not so sure I’m ready to claim them as yet *smile*. For those of you unfamiliar with The Cato Institute, Wikipedia is your friend: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cato_institute

Earlier this month, the Supreme Court began hearing oral arguments in the case McDonald v. Chicago – a challenge to Chicago’s ban on handguns. Currently, Chicago residents are limited to owning shotguns. The suit asserts that the second amendment right to bear arms is a fundamental and individual right that should be applicable at the state level (right now it only applies to the federal government). Mr. McDonald is fighting for the right to protect his home against the numerous break-ins he has experienced. But of course, there are those who disagree with the idea of law-abiding citizens owning handguns.

That’s where the Cato piece comes in. The gentleman speaking, Mr. Tom Palmer, makes excellent points to support handgun ownership. Here are Tammy’s top three picks:

1. Criminals are already armed.

This point should hit you over the head like they do in the V8 commercials. It is highly unlikely that Mr. Gangbanger will be requesting a gun license from the state of Maryland. People have a misinformed notion that lifting handgun bans would provide criminals carte blanche to procure weapons. Have we learned nothing from the prohibition of alcohol and marijuana? When people want something, and you ban it, they will merely create a black market for it. Criminals will find guns when they want them. Only one person is left unprotected – the law abiding citizen.

2. Violent crime does not increase with handgun ownership/carry laws.

Criminals are not stupid. Ok I take that back… Most criminals are not stupid. As Mr. Palmer described it, an armed citizenry serves as a disincentive for criminal activity. Just as the gangbanger will likely skip over the house with the ADT sign on the front lawn, or the vehicle with the car alarm light flashing, he’s less likely to aggress against an armed person. I would certainly opt to have an armed, law-abiding citizen next to me when the gang banging of it all goes down *shrug*. Most people who would follow the process and purchase a handgun are only really interested in brandishing the weapon if they are faced with harm, as Mr. Palmer did.

3. Constitution guarantees the right to bear/carry arms

If you’ve read anything I’ve written before, it is plain to see that I want to protect my ability to have and protect all my stuff. Translate that into the individual rights that the constitution is designed to protect. It’s simple people. We should be allowed to have the option to own a handgun. We should be allowed the right to walk around with our handguns. The second amendment says so:

“..the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”

Keep your ears to the ground to see what our Justices say. My prediction: handguns for all!

FYI – If you live in Maryland, you are free to get a handgun license, provided you haven’t murdered anybody. You aren’t allowed to carry your handgun (unless you’re transporting it to the shooting range), but you may keep it in your home. If you have an Oprah type story of people trying to hunt you down, you MAY be able to secure a permit to carry your weapon… but good luck with that one.

--TamSam

Posted while listening to ‘I Am One’ by Chrisette Michelle (on repeat because it took me a while to type this)

“If one can make a difference, then two can change the world..”